Poetry

I am not an apology 

I have form

I have substance 

I take up space. 

With form comes responsibility. 

It’s not your fault if I feel unworthy of a place at the table

I am responsible.

It is not your fault if I cannot look you in the eye 

I am responsible.

When my feet dig deep into the Earth .

When I am rooted

When I can feel the dirt between my toes

I am steady and then  

I can look you in the eye. 

I have clarity 

I see we are all walking on the same earth 

Your dirt is my dirt

It is only when I am firmly planted

When I still feel the dirt between my toes 

I can take a place at the table.

I am not an apology 

I  have form 

I have substance 

I take up space

And I am responsible.

Meaningless

Life has no meaning 

It is simply a series of events

Our reaction breathes life into the events

Ugly or beautiful our reaction

Without meaning there is freedom

Meaning 

Fear

Fear is a master story teller.

It can spin the greatest yarn. 

It animates and illuminates its tale, 

and like all great story tellers it exaggerates, 

It narrates its myth so convincingly

That the story becomes real,

Fear breathes life into the story

until it is no longer a story

But is real, tangible and fearsome 

But Fear is like the wizard of oz 

Hiding behind a screen of smoke and mirrors 

The screen looks solid 

yet it is flimsy if we could only realize

And see that with one puff, 

We can send it crashing into the ground. 

I take one big puff

One determined puff 

the screen wobbles. 

One more puff 

And it teeters 

One more puff, just one more 

And the screen comes tumbling down. 

And there it is 

Fear

exposed 

a quivering powerless force 

That has no power of its own.

It feeds into my power

Into my strength

But ultimately, it is powerless.

Control

My body is diminishing 

Do I want to be invisible? 

No, I want to take control? 

Life is out of my control 

Yet my control is within the numbers 

Control is the number on the scale

Control is in the calorie count

But control is an illusion 

the numbers are controlling me

My life is a series of numbers 

I am spiraling out of control in a sea of numbers

Fear

Despair

My life is a contradiction

I hope yet I despair

I trust yet I despair

I let go yet I despair.

I look for God

But I don’t listen

I look for divine intervention

But I don’t let it in

My heart is closed

Only I have the key.

Yet only God can help

Only divine intervention can help

I am chaos

I am wit-less

I am clueless

I exercise control when I have no control

And the control is killing me

The control is a desperate attempt,

I’m like a woman who is sinking

trying to tread water

But my control is pulling  me deeper.

I am afraid of drowning

Yet drowning would be easier.

If I melt into the water

When I take my final breath

The pain is over

The fear is gone

Nothing can hurt me.

Yet...

I see a glance of sunlight

It teases on the surface

It tantalizes

It mesmerizes.

If I let go I can float

This is my hope

This is my chance.

While I breathe there is life

Where is life there is hope

Where there is hope there is potential

Where there is potential freedom is possible.

God let me see the sun

Let me see Hope

Let me Breathe

Let me Live…

Let me let go

Magic

I am solid yet I am not.

Everything about me is magic.

I connect to that magic and I smile

Trauma poem

It happened but is hidden.

Its memory  veiled from sight.

My heart is protecting me,

No memory, no fight

Broken heart

Only I can break  my heart

No one else can break it.

I broke mine twice

Taboo 

My body isn’t open for conversation

I am Everything

 I am more than divine energy. 

I have substance.

 I take up space in this world. 

My physical body is what I am attached to in thIs world.

I wear my physical body like a loose garment. 

My body is where I live. 

My body is my temple

 My body is my space.

There is a me that feels

There is a me that eats

There is a me with shadows

There is a me which honors and embraces the shadow.

There is a me which connects with my family

There is a me that smell smells, taste, hears and sees

And there is a me that is a blank me. 

It is there to be written on .

 I can be whatever I want to be, whatever I need to be.

 I can have whatever I want to have 

I can be whatever what I need to be

and I can put it all into this me of emptiness.

All I have is my breath.

 to connect my physical realm with my ethereal realm. 

I am solid. 

I am concrete

 yet. I am magic. I am ethereal.

Everything comes and everything goes and the cycle repeats itself. 

Everything comes and everything goes. 

Nothing is permanent. Nothing is worth attaching to.

Despair

Fear

Despair

My life is a contradiction

I hope yet I despair

I trust yet I despair

I let go yet I despair.

I look for God

But I don’t listen

I look for divine intervention

But I don’t let it in

My heart is closed

Only I have the key.

Yet only God can help

Only divine intervention can help

I am chaos

I am wit-less

I am clueless

I exercise control when I have no control

And the control is killing me

The control is a desperate attempt,

I’m like a woman who is sinking

trying to tread water

But my control is pulling  me deeper.

I am afraid of drowning

Yet drowning would be easier.

If I melt into the water

When I take my final breath

The pain is over

The fear is gone

Nothing can hurt me.

Yet...

I see a glance of sunlight

It teases on the surface

It tantalizes

It mesmerizes.

If I let go I can float

This is my hope

This is my chance.

While I breathe there is life

Where is life there is hope

Where there is hope there is potential

Where there is potential freedom is possible.

God let me see the sun

Let me see Hope

Let me Breathe

Let me Live…

Let me let go